The Emancipation of BD. A moment sponsored by 🦋s, 🐑s, and 🌈s.
tl;dr I’m in Boston until April 4. Text me if you need me. My cell is (XXX) XXX-XXXX.
Okay then...Let’s do this!
My life has been punctuated by MoM: Moments of Mariah.
Winter 1995. Mariah throws shade before throwing shade was even a thing. At a press conference in London she says, "I really haven't paid attention to Madonna since I was in, like, seventh or eighth grade when she used to be popular”. Other victims of her shade game include Nikki Minaj, J Lo, Kim Kardashian, Eminem, Ariana Grande, Tommy Mottola, and Christina Aguilera.
Fall 1999. Mariah decides she hates how high the waist is on her jeans. She cuts off the top 2 inches. Her stylist sees the result and has Mariah wear the jeans in her Heartbreaker video. I immediately chop the waistband off of my favorite jeans. I pretend I look as good as Mariah.
Fall 1999. Montpelier, VT. I’m teaching my younger sister about how to put the car into neutral and coast down the big hills in town. I don’t know why all of us used to do this for fun…Blame it on growing up in a small town. While we coast we learn every word to the song Heartbreaker. Rewind, play, memorize. Rewind, play, memorize. Rewind, play, memorize. Gimme your love, gimme your love, gimme your love, gimme your love…
Spring 2000. Julian, CA. Im working as an outdoor education instructor. One of my campers challenges me to a sing-off of Jay-Z’s rap in Heartbreaker.. I know I need to let her win to boost her self-esteem, but THIS IS MY JAM! I slay. I win. I don’t feel bad about it.
Fall 2001: I drag a boyfriend out to see Glitter on opening night. It was horrible. We end up breaking up. Thank you for that, MiMi. I needed an independent moment. Oh hold on. You don’t know about Mariah’s love of the word moment? Watch this: https://youtu.be/ka_b9sB1GmA
Winter 2002. Mariah covers Def Leppard’s Bringin’ on the Heartbreak. My appreciation of her as an artist doubles. Why is Charmbracelet such an underrated album? People have no taste.
Fall 2003: Mariah does an interview and says that one of the reasons she left Tommy Mottola is that he didn’t believe segue was a word. She is a woman after my own heart. My obsession grows.
Spring 2005. Montpelier, VT. A cop pulls me over less than 1 mile from my house. He asks why I thought he pulled me over. I said, “Because I was listening to Emancipation of MiMi so loudly you could hear it when I passed you?” Correct answer: No, because you were speeding. I got a ticket. Later on I see my mom and she says, “How did you get pulled over? I biked by you and motioned for you to slow down because there was a cop up ahead!!” I said, “Well I saw you waving your arms and I just thought you were being weird. Which would be par for the course with my mom.
Winter 2008. I meet Nicholas. He tells me that a defining moment in his life was seeing Mariah on the swing in the Always Be My Baby video. He saw the video, bought the cassette single, and played it until he wore it out. Side note: I feel bad for kids these days…They will never know the excitement/trauma of wearing out their favorite music. I miss spinning cassette tapes around pencils.
Summer 2013: I kick someone out of our house for saying Mariah Carey can’t sing. I later regret the moment of passion, but lets be honest...No one likes a liar.
Fall 2018: The Caution album drops. I’ve never before heard the words GTFO croooooooned. It’s an incredible feat of artistry. Daaaaaaaamn, MiMi. Back at it with the dope jamz!
Winter 2018: Nicholas calls my sisters’ husbands and they coordinate a group Christmas gift for us: TICKETS TO FINALLY SEE MARIAH CAREY TOGETHER IN BOSTON. WE ARE OVER THE MOON.
All of that to say, I’m in Boston with two of my sisters the rest of Mariah’s New England Lambily and I’m about to have a life-defining experience. Another Mariah Moment to add to the list.
P.S If you have no appreciation for The Queen then at least be glad she’s an Apple fan. Here is Mariah Behind the Mac: