BOSTON 2017

Maybe you have a crush on American history. Maybe you don’t. Maybe you know the story of Paul Revere. Maybe you don’t. Maybe you want to learn more. Maybe you don’t.

If you do NOT want to learn more about the ride of Paul Revere, stop right here and contact the following people while I’m in Boston:

  • For questions about email or to hear a wicked pissah Boston accent go to Meg  
  • For questions about Creative Review or to talk to someone who is DGAF about the Red Sox go to Amanda
  • For questions about Nike+ or to chat about ramen or back episodes of Car Talk go to Nicole

If you made it this far, yay you. Your reward is a little story about that fateful night the Redcoats stormed Bostontown and how Revere helped thwart their plans. Kind-of.

Here we go. It’s April of 1775 and we’re in Boston. It’s been a little over a year since the Sons of Liberty threw an entire shipment of tea into the Boston harbor to protest the King’s tea tax. Taxation without representation? "Hard pass," said the colonists. In response, King George shut down the harbor and demanded that the colonists pay for the tea. Which they didn’t. Obviously. No one puts Baby in a corner. This stalemate led to the British parliament declaring Massachusetts in a state of open rebellion. 

I get it. You don’t mess with a British person’s tea. Jon knows Meg and I both used to live in Boston, and when he drinks tea he won’t let either of us come with 100 feet of him. Not that I’ve ever seen him drink tea, but I bet if he DID drink tea he wouldn’t leave it near people with ties to Boston. We can’t be trusted and EVERYBODY knows this.

But this story isn’t about Jon’s tea, it’s about Paul Revere. Thank you for reminding me. Legit.

In addition to being a silversmith and a recreational dentist, Paul Revere works as an express rider who carries around important messages by horse. Three jobs sounds like a lot, but the guy has 16 kids and that is NOT a cheap undertaking.

On April 18, 1775 Revere is told to make his way to Lexington to tell Sam Adams and John Hancock that British troops have an order out for their arrest (Side note: This intel ends up being completely bogus, but when someone threatens the founders of beer and signatures it’s a threat worth pursuing). From Lexington Revere is to continue on to Concord to hide the Sons of Liberty's guns and ammo before the British can find it. 

First stop? Christ Church. Revere tells one of his many besties to hang two lanterns in the tower since the British troops are going to cross the Charles River to get to Cambridge (1 if by land and 2 if by sea).

Next Revere finds two friends to row him across the Charles River to Charleston. He almost gets caught on his way down to the river and then he actually passes a British ship or two during the boat ride, but it was dark (because 11PM) and they row very quietly, so he goes undetected. This is the part where you heave a small sigh of relief. Good. Moving on...When Revere finally makes it to Lexington he is rabbiting on like a mad man and a guard outside of the Hancock + Adams residence tells Revere to shut up because everyone inside is sleeping. Revere is like, "ARE YOU FRICKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW? Soon there will be SO MUCH NOISE because the regulars are coming out. Yes, I said, “the regulars.” No one ever said "the British" are coming, because the Colonists still considered themselves British. Hancock hears Revere screaming at the guard, rises from his sleep, and tells the guard to let Revere in the house. At 12:30PM William Dawes arrives with the same message for Hancock and Adams via the land route. They all kick back a few beers, chow on some chips and guac, someone gives Revere a horse, and then he leaves with Dawes for Concord.

On the way to Concord the two midnight riders run into Samuel Prescott and add him to their squad, but shortly thereafter the British patrol intercepts all three. Prescott escapes left, eventually making it to Concord. Dawes flees right and falls off of his horse, putting an end to his mission. Revere gallops straight ahead, smack into a fleet of bushes allowing the British soldiers to capture him. Revere is held, questioned, and then let go, but not before the pesky Redcoats abscond with his borrowed horse. Revere walks back to Lexington and arrives just in time to catch the back half of the battle on Lexington Green.

Spoiler alert: America gains its independence from the Brits and Revere ends up outliving 11 of his kids and opening a hardware store. 

If you have any questions come find me when I’m back in the office on Friday. 

THE AMERICAN SOUTHWEST 2017

National Park Annual Pass? ✅
Rental car booked from PHX to LAX? ✅
Over-ambitious agenda to see pretty much every desert, energy vortex, and canyon between the two cities in less than a week? ✅
Selfie stick packed? 🤢😱 Ew, gross. (Just kidding, I couldn’t find it.)

In case you haven’t figured it out by now, I’ve left the rainy doldrums of Oregon for a vitamin D infusion. In my absence please reach out to the following people for the following topics:

✉️👩🏼‍⚕️👟🏃Email, nurse shoes and Ferris Bueller’s Day Off — Meg
🔙🖌🍎Creative review and apple chips — Amanda
👩🏻‍💻🇦🇺General nonsense and questions about Nicole Kidman or wombats — Nicole

I’m literally not checking email. And I’m using the word literally in the literal sense. In addition, I left my computer behind.

Do not burn yourselves out. Be as I am - a reluctant enthusiast....a part-time crusader, a half-hearted fanatic. Save the other half of yourselves and your lives for pleasure and adventure. It is not enough to fight for the land; it is even more important to enjoy it. While you can. While it’s still here. So get out there and hunt and fish and mess around with your friends, ramble out yonder and explore the forests, climb the mountains, bag the peaks, run the rivers, breathe deep of that yet sweet and lucid air, sit quietly for a while and contemplate the precious stillness, the lovely, mysterious, and awesome space. Enjoy yourselves, keep your brain in your head and your head firmly attached to the body, the body active and alive, and I promise you this much; I promise you this one sweet victory over our enemies, over those desk-bound men and women with their hearts in a safe deposit box, and their eyes hypnotized by desk calculators. I promise you this; You will outlive the bastards.” 

- Edward Abbey

TOKYO + SHANGHAI 2016

AN OOO BY THE NUMBERS

635: Flight time in minutes from PDX to NRT
1: Ice cream sundaes I will eat on the plane
0: Cherries I will ask for on the sundae
6,852: Number of islands that make up Japan
430: Number of those islands that are inhabited
1: Number of those islands that I will visits during my vacation
118.44: Cost of two discounted tickets to the robot show in USD
12,388: Fuji-san’s height in feet
154.5: Pounds of fish the average Japanese person eats each year
71: My favorite television channel in Tokyo: Tokyo TV
2001: Year the first maid café popped up in Akihabara

7: Days I am playing in Japan and not responding to emails or texts unless they are lists of things I should see/do while I’m there

5: Days I will work remotely from Shanghai after leaving my beloved Japan. Days where you should not expect an immediate response due to the topsy-turvy timezone.

TULUM 2016 (INSPIRED BY KANYE)

First thing is I’m an artist and as an artist I go to mexico for 10 days with no censorship

2nd thing I asked Nicholas for his blessings and he said he wanted to come

3rd thing I called Taylor and had a hour long convo with her about the vacation and she thought it sounded chill and gave her blessings

4th Please for all ocean lovers. Please subscribe to tidal!!! You can access tide charts there. Please subscribe to tidal.

5th thing I’m not even gone take credit for going to Tulum… it’s actually something Taylor came up with…

6th Stop trying to demonize real vacations Stop trying to compromise relaxation

7th I miss that feeling so that’s what I want to help restore

8th Americans want to control us with money and perception and mute real culture

Mark Zuckerberg I know it’s your bday but can you please call me before I leave???

Mark, I am publicly asking you for help…

...on another note, can mexicah be the girl verson of mexico???

Hi@JackDorsey, can you guys please take down all the fake Cienfuegos accounts.

I want to be the creative director of Señor Frogs…

I’m tired of old people that have no connection with anything trying to comment on my vacation!

Please no one text me or ask me for anything till Tuesday March 8.

Portland 2014

I am currently listing to Toto on Spotify.
My responses may be delayed.

Mexico/Cuba 2015

This is it.
This is my Out of Office message for Mexico City.
You were probably expecting more
And if so, I have let you down

The pressure was too much
And I broke
bro      ke
I contemplated a message about country songs that mention Mexico
I thought about writing one focusing on tequilas and mezcals
I drafted a Scrabble-themed OOO message and deleted it because it was lackluster (btw Mexico is a 17 point word)
No triple word scores for failure
And. I. Have. Failed. You.

So this is it.
I’m in Mexico and I’m not going to answer email because I’m busy doing "NTC in the Clouds" and speaking Spanish
poorly
pobre ly
mal
necesito comida

Next stop: Cuba.
Hopefully my writer’s block will be gone by then
And my OOO will be on fleek
Either way
You won’t see me back in the office until Aug 6

Be good my friends
And serape your souls with rainbows and imaginariums

 

 

Japan/China 2015

When you’re starting a story how do you do it? This isn’t really a “Once upon a time” scenario, nor is it a “Call me Ishmael” type of deal. This is the story of Bliss Unleashed. Bliss on the road. Bliss in Asia. I guess I should just start with right now.

3am
4am
5am
Soon it will be 6am
At 6:39am the sun will rise

I am a collector of foreign sunrises and Asia makes it way too easy for me. I can’t fly over here and NOT wake up at the 3 o’clock hour.  Winter is hard though; during the winter months I must be patient. Sometimes I debate going back to sleep, but I know it would be fighting a losing battle. Today I debated heading down to the gym, which is an improvement. Go me. Not that I actually WENT to the gym, but I thought about it.

Sunrise over the Acropolis from the roof of a hotel in Athens is still one of my favorites. Sunrise over Mount Fuji rivaled it. I’m sure I could score a pretty good sunrise SOMEWHERE here, but my window doesn’t have much of a viewshed. I can see a Geox, Boss, Diesel, and a movie theatre. I’m open. They are closed.

6:45am
Against all odds I head to the gym
Time to end an existing bad habit and start a new good one
Note: no one should ever sweat this much after 20 minutes on a treadmill
Is #betterforit supposed to look this beastly?

Oh. I almost forgot to mention…
I’m gone
Not forever
I’ll be back on December 17th
I’m in Shanghai and Tokyo
Asia felt so foreign the first time I came. Now the entire world is starting to feel like one big extension of my family
It’s comforting
It means I’m never not home
If you need me text me
But know that my hours will be wacky and my days will be packed.

Translation: Don’t expect immediate replies unless you include an enticing gif with your message. 

Japan 2014

Konichiwa from the future.

Assuming you are emailing me from Portland, I am 17 hours ahead of you in Tokyo. Wondering what tomorrow will bring? I'm already there, and I can assure you that it's fantastic. Imagine an infinite tableau of rainbows, butterflies, and teacup pigs. That's what you will be waking up to.

I will be checking email while I'm gone, but due to the time difference you shouldn't expect an immediate response.

I will be back on Feb 14. Happy Valentine's Day in advance.

Texas 2014

People say everything is bigger in Texas. Does that mean a 12 ounce soda is actually 13 ounces? Will my feet will get too big for my boots as soon as I step over the state line? Or will my boots get bigger too? Sounds like a bunch of big hat, no cattle to me.
 
People say don’t mess with Texas, but what happens if you do? And what defines “messing” with it anyway?
 
George Strait says all of his exes live in Texas, which is why he hangs his hat in Tennessee. Can that even be true? Can ALL of his exes really live in one place? You can put your boots in the oven, but that don't make ‘em biscuits.
 
You know what I say? I say there are some tough questions that need to be asked and it’s time someone take charge and get the answers we all so desperately need. I VOLUNTEER!
 

i-volunteer-as-tribute


I’m fixin’ to hop on a 6am flight to Texas on Friday, March 7th and I won’t rest until I get to the bottom of this.  While this ain’t my first rodeo, it may be a time-consuming quest, so you can expect a delayed response to email until March 17th.  
 
P.S. If this is Austin…I still love you.

New York City 2014

Lost in the magic of the city that gave birth to They Might Be Giants, Billy Joel, Gaga, Madonna, and black & white cookies. The city that Einstein's eyeballs call home.

Don't worry about how I'll get around while I'm here. I'm Ubering since you all know what MTA stands for...

Note: It's okay if you don't know what MTA stands for. You might just not listen to enough Scissor Sisters.

World Tour 2014

It took Magellan’s ship Victoria 3 years to circumnavigate the globe. It took Turkish adventurer Erden Eruc 5 years to do it, traveling strictly via solo human-powered methods of transit. It will take me just 2 weeks.

First stop: Amsterdam. Known for its tulips, clogs, and red waxy wheels of gouda, Holland is fairly chilly in November. I will need to wear a coat.

Second stop: Tokyo. Like an infinitely folded piece of origami catapulted into outer space and exploding with color, light, and possibilities, Tokyo is sure to be full of mind-bending and unexpected moments punctuated by unfamiliar electronics and bunny cafés. I will ride the world’s smallest escalator and stroll by the vending machines you’ve only read about on Buzzfeed.

Third stop: Singapore. I will see almost nothing of this supercharged city-state while I’m there unless I don’t sleep at night. Sleep is overrated.

It’s a world of laughter, a world of tears. It’s a world of hope and a world of fears. There’s so much that we share that it’s time we’re aware: It’s a small world after all. Fourth stop: Home.

SANTA FE 2015

Out of Office
Out of Oregon
Out of Order

Disclaimer: I’m not actually out of order, but between out of order and out of octopus, the first option made more sense

In Cleveland
In Santa Fe
Inn of the Five Graces

Above the fold
Above the fray
Above water comma keeping my head

A round of drinks for the grooms!
Around 10am I will wake up each morning. Maybe 11.
Around peg in asquare hole

Below the stars
Below par
Below that Christmas sauce lies a delectable enchilada

At the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame
At MeowWolf
At an Earthship

Over the moon
Over the top
Over and out